Episode 1: And Then Came the Car Fight. . .

After five years together, things had really mellowed into a cozy, comfortable world of the plush red sofa, the fat orange cat and lots of yellowy tungsten bulbs. But my girlfriend, Lani, has gone green.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when she went to that potluck alone. They watched An Inconvenient Truth. I know, what a cliche. I don't ever want to see it. That's why I stayed home to watch Glee. Now she follows my path through the house, turning off lights as I go like a nanny picking up after a rotten kid. Last week she asked me to please close the door to the fridge while I'm cooking, which I'd only left open for a second while I had the milk out for my macaroni sauce. She doesn't let the water run while we're brushing our teeth any more, either, and a few days ago, she put a collection of rocks in the toilet "to use less water."

All of this I can live with. But last night, she informed me that she wasn't going to use the car any more, not at all, and didn't want to have to contribute to the insurance and maintenance. This was the last straw for me. You see we're thieves, and I believe the getaway car is integral to our success at this.

Don't make too much of this - we don't steal for a living. We're recreational thieves. We break into empty houses and nab things like this black and white rug which probably came from Ikea, and the floor lamp with the beads. It started about a year ago as a way to kind of spice up our relationship. The thrill of risk and all that. We had sex in the car once. Sped away and took the long route home, stopping just out of town on the side of a rural road to mess around. But it wasn't long before we really were just interested in updating our home decor or bringing excellent gifts to friends hosting potlucks. That night she saw the stupid Al Gore movie she'd brought them a new ipod.

It's too late to go back to buying this crap with our own dollars, and I could really use better speakers for my computer. And a new fan. Check out my fan picture. It's old and crappy and dusty. I think it would be nice to have a sleeker one, maybe black. . . But I'm not going to shove one into a pannier before pedaling off on a getaway bicycle. That's just ridiculous.

We're supposed to nab some things this weekend.We'll see how she does on her bike while I breeze away in my smooth ride.

Here's this weekend's wishlist, by the way:
1) New computer speakers.
2) Better plastic containers - the kind with the authentic burp sound.
3) A new fan.

I like to leave the window open a lot for the fresh air. The electric heat in this place feels too stuffy without the draft.

I think I'll go for a drive now. It's sunny out and I wouldn't mind heading up the mountain to get a view. Maybe I'll tweet about it later. Follow me!