Episode 4: The Accident

I still don't have a bike, as it turns out. I didn't want to spend five hundred bucks on something I'm hardly going to use. I told Lani that at the bike shop, said it was a rip off, and she turned to the shop guy and said "Sorry." That did it. I stormed out and she followed me, listing off all the dollars I'd spent on the car: $300 on the front brakes, $65 a month on insurance, $80 a month on gas, $60 on that overpriced oil change and on and on. I said I didn't want to go for ice cream anymore, and besides, she'd probably be vegan by the time we got there or something. Well, that really pissed her off. She hopped on her bike and beat me home. It was all a real kick in the teeth.

But I don't want to fight with Lani. She acts angry, but she looks like I'm crushing her soul or something. So a couple days later I brought home a box of ice cream. She always gets home at 5:10 pm, so I cut her a slab, put a candle in it, and waited by the front door. I wanted it to be the first thing she saw: me with a slab of ice cream. Me, ice cream. Me, something sweet. Me equals something sweet. I can be sneaky too. But 5:10 came and went and she never showed. Ten minutes later, the slab was melting and sliding around the plate, so I put it in the freezer. I was getting pissed, thinking she was blowing me off, even though The Office was on tonight and we had plans, when she banged through the front hall.

"What happened to you?" I asked.
"Some asshole pulled into the bike lane right in front of me."

So then she rants about all the vehicles on the road, shows me her bruised elbow, shows me online where it happened, tells me how the driver behind shouted at her as if she'd done something wrong. I said I was sorry that biking wasn't going to work out, but not to worry, the car is purring along these days anyway.

She stopped. "It's all of YOU who should get off the road, not me."
I heard the bathroom door lock and the bath run.

So much for ice cream. I was an "all of you." The bathroom was a vault and I would need a combination to get to Lani.

The next day, I trashed the lamp with the beads. I lied to Lani, told her I saw the light flickering, and when I went to inspect, the cord was hot and there was smoke at the plug. Then I suggested we nab a new one next week. There's this eclectic house near the duck pond with all kinds of goodies and they were going to some family cabin this weekend.

She shrugged, said okay, might be fun.

They also have four bikes they keep in the "bike room" (people talk about their stuff a lot in the break room. That's where I heard about the Ikea rug, too). Lani will be thrilled when I pick one out for myself. . .

Lani's Ride.
View The Bike Trip in a larger map Lani chose this route for the bike lane on Bay Street, and the car-free route up the goose. Regardless, the traffic proved perilous, and she slammed into a van when it pulled into her bike lane! Then got yelled at by a driver behind! Terrible. . .

View Larger Map Here's a close up of the site of the accident. Lani's right; you can clearly see there is a bike lane there.

Episode 3: The Path to Lovin'

So the car is in the proverbial shop. It started doing this weird thing a few months ago where the brakes would squeak first thing in the morning, the first few times I push the brakes. I did what most people do in my situation which is ignore it and hope it goes away. But my car is not an organism; it will not heal itself.

Anyway, I had to pick up some paint from my Dad's place which he had picked up for me (repainting the bathroom cabinet), but now I had no car and I loathe the bus (too many people), and so I was complaining about this Saturday morning to Lani, how my weekend is going to be totally unproductive now and all I wanted was for her to say "that sucks," but instead she told me I was lazy and why don't I just take her bike. I'm not lazy, I said, I used to be a lifeguard. Of course that was over ten years ago and now the most exercise I get is from sitting on a swiss ball in the breakroom at lunch. So I said "Fine, I will," just to prove I wasn't out of shape, and rode my bike almost fifteen kilometers to my Dad's place.

Steller's Jay

But this unexpected thing happened on the ride: I enjoyed it. My Dad lives just off the Galloping Goose, a regional bike and pedestrian only path. I heard a loud rapping in the woods and saw a dark blue bird which Lani says was probably a Steller's Jay. Then, on the way home, (my litre of paint in the pannier), I saw a ruddy lump just off the path ahead. As I got closer, it started to look like a brown bag, then just as I was gliding past, it flew up, this gigantic eagle or something, which Lani said was probably a Red Tailed Hawk. I stopped to watch it and it landed on the yellow "caution, public road" sign up ahead. It started to drizzle lightly then, which was actually kind of refreshing.

I told Lani about the birds as I undressed in our bedroom, and since I was so warm and wet from my ride, the single-pane windows started steaming up.

Well, then another unexpected thing happened. Lani helped me take my shirt off and tossed it on the floor. The way she was smiling, I could tell she wasn't just trying to get a load of laundry together. To make the short story shorter, we got naked. And it was awesome. In fact, I never did paint the bathroom cabinet.

Red Tailed Hawk

Yesterday, I picked up the car. The brakes are quiet as mouses, and it actually cost a bit less than I thought. I said Lani, let's celebrate. How about driving down to the beach for ice cream, my treat. She said she'd rather ride her bike. But I don't have a bike, I said, so that's kind of a lame date. Then she suggested we go get me one.

She thinks she's sneaky. But I know what she's up to. I said, sure, why not. It might be fun once in a while. Besides, what's it gonna cost me?

The Bike Path to Lovin':

Episode 2: Night-time Visitors

For those of you following my tweets, you understand my latest frustration. First the oil change ends up costing $60 (if I'd known it was so easy to 'install' an air filter I would have just done it myself), then I get a parking ticket on my own street. I don't know why it isn't residents only, but the City said if I want to change it I have to go around with a petition and get all my neighbours' signatures and the whole block is apartment buildings. Not really conducive to door to door. Besides that, I'm just not a petition-person. That's a little too "good-citizen" for me. And to make matters worse, Lani is refusing to contribute to any of this.

She's really sticking with this bike thing. I'm kind of surprised.

So we did do some thieving this weekend - a big house by the water (the side of town with trees and views of things other than concrete). I warmed up the car and everything was going smooth as silk. The sky was a moody blue-grey, so I said Lani, it's probably going to rain. And she said that's why I have a rain jacket. Then she put her helmet on (which I noticed she'd decorated with flower stickers), and turned on about a half a dozen bike lights. She pedaled away like a Christmas tree on wheels.

Well, I thought her taking a separate vehicle kind of defeated the purpose of our romantic crime spree, which I shouted at her as she rounded the corner, but she didn't seem to hear. I was ticked, so I sped across town, parked a block from the house, turned on the radio and kicked the seat back. I wanted to look warm and cozy before she caught up. It was hard to relax, though. I was worried about my little Christmas tree. People drive so fast and it was getting darker and starting to rain. I kept sitting up to wipe the condensation off the windows and look around for her.

After three songs, I saw her, blinking away. Kind of reminded me of when we tented at the beach and watched the lighthouses blink green, white, and red all night. That was back when we didn't need a TV to spend an evening together.
She stopped at the car and I rolled the window down. Her cheeks were all wet and rosy and she said she saw a family of raccoons on the way over.
I thought of their masks and said "we should get going if we're gonna do this."
She almost looked disappointed, and I actually felt sort of lame for mentioning the time.

The house didn't have any fans. They have air conditioning. Can you believe that? It probably never gets above 25 C there on the water and they need air conditioning. I got some computer speakers, though. And Lani took a can opener. Ours has been broken for a couple weeks.

When we got home, Lani wasn't even interested in testing the new speakers. She just put the can opener away and went to bed. I hovered by the door once, debating whether I should try to cuddle or something. But what if she really just wanted to sleep? Instead, I googled stuff about raccoons. There was some guy named Davis who did intelligence tests on them in 1908 and found those raccoons could open 11 out of 13 complex locks. . . Maybe I'll tell Lani about that tomorrow morning. . .

Episode 1: And Then Came the Car Fight. . .

After five years together, things had really mellowed into a cozy, comfortable world of the plush red sofa, the fat orange cat and lots of yellowy tungsten bulbs. But my girlfriend, Lani, has gone green.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when she went to that potluck alone. They watched An Inconvenient Truth. I know, what a cliche. I don't ever want to see it. That's why I stayed home to watch Glee. Now she follows my path through the house, turning off lights as I go like a nanny picking up after a rotten kid. Last week she asked me to please close the door to the fridge while I'm cooking, which I'd only left open for a second while I had the milk out for my macaroni sauce. She doesn't let the water run while we're brushing our teeth any more, either, and a few days ago, she put a collection of rocks in the toilet "to use less water."

All of this I can live with. But last night, she informed me that she wasn't going to use the car any more, not at all, and didn't want to have to contribute to the insurance and maintenance. This was the last straw for me. You see we're thieves, and I believe the getaway car is integral to our success at this.

Don't make too much of this - we don't steal for a living. We're recreational thieves. We break into empty houses and nab things like this black and white rug which probably came from Ikea, and the floor lamp with the beads. It started about a year ago as a way to kind of spice up our relationship. The thrill of risk and all that. We had sex in the car once. Sped away and took the long route home, stopping just out of town on the side of a rural road to mess around. But it wasn't long before we really were just interested in updating our home decor or bringing excellent gifts to friends hosting potlucks. That night she saw the stupid Al Gore movie she'd brought them a new ipod.

It's too late to go back to buying this crap with our own dollars, and I could really use better speakers for my computer. And a new fan. Check out my fan picture. It's old and crappy and dusty. I think it would be nice to have a sleeker one, maybe black. . . But I'm not going to shove one into a pannier before pedaling off on a getaway bicycle. That's just ridiculous.

We're supposed to nab some things this weekend.We'll see how she does on her bike while I breeze away in my smooth ride.

Here's this weekend's wishlist, by the way:
1) New computer speakers.
2) Better plastic containers - the kind with the authentic burp sound.
3) A new fan.

I like to leave the window open a lot for the fresh air. The electric heat in this place feels too stuffy without the draft.

I think I'll go for a drive now. It's sunny out and I wouldn't mind heading up the mountain to get a view. Maybe I'll tweet about it later. Follow me!